It's an obsession. Nearly every day I log on to the MOE's databank of children and search for Peanut. I enter my search criteria -- male, born in 1997, in Peanut's region, available for adoption -- and then I hold my breath.

I scroll through the other little boys: Ivan, Yevgeny, Peter, Alexei, Sergei. Grainy photos of beautiful children with solemn stares. Each seems to plead with me asking "Will you be my mama?" I silently apologize to their dark eyes, for as much as I would love to take each and every one, they are not my son.

Then I find him. My beautiful boy. He's wearing a bulky geometric sweater that I can't imagine him liking. His mouth is set in a stoic expression; his false nothing-can-hurt-me orphanage face. But his eyes belie the fear he felt as some stranger snapped his photo before he entered the orphanage.

I release my breath, relax my shoulders, and know I can get through one more day with the knowledge that (according to the databank) my boy is still available for adoption.

My agency coordinator has told me time and again how unreliable the databank is. She has seen children still listed long after they were officially adopted. But I'm choosing to believe what I see. My boy is waiting, he's legally free for adoption, and it won't be long until I can make a "withdrawal" from the databank.