Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tunes without the words
And never stops at all.
-- Emily Dickinson

Hope has been elusive for me lately. Some days I find it and manage to keep a strong grip on it. Other days when I feel hopeful I berate myself for it -- after all, my hope has been smashed to pieces over and over... why do I keep building myself back up? And then there are the days that I can't find hope at all.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
-- Proverbs 13:12

Lately, I've been feeling somewhat hopeful. I'm sad and I miss my boy terribly. But hearing that at least some of the kids that came over this summer are still in the orphanage was a light of sorts for me. It bolstered my ability to hope. Today I learned a new piece of information. The woman who escorted the kids here this summer won't be able to go to the orphanage until next week at the earliest. But, she had a positive piece of news to share. A child from her orphanage was potentially supposed to go to a patr*nat family, but when an international family expressed interest in adopting the child the adoption was deemed preferable.

Ever since I found out that Peanut was in a patr*nat family there has been the concern that he may not be available for international adoption. Russia views permanent families as a better option than a temporary situation. But Russian placements are preferred over international. So it was a bit of a crap shoot. Finding out that an international adoption was viewed favorably in comparison to a temporary patr*nat situation gives me so much hope. It's not concrete... not something to hang my hat on... but it gives me more reason to feel hopeful.

Hope likes justification, but can do without.
-- Mason Cooley

So I've decided to let myself have my down days... I think I need them sometimes. But when I do find faith, when I do find hope I'm not going to berate myself for it anymore.

Hope, like faith, is nothing if it is not courageous.
-- Thornton Wilder

While we have our weak moments -- times when we rant, cry, vent, and rage -- I think all PAPs are brave. Even including me. We navigate these rough waters of adoption voluntarily. I think we'll all be better parents for the struggle.