When you see an adorable kid, what do you think? "What big pretty eyes" or "What a sweet smile." But, as perfect as Peanut's eyes and smile are, when I first saw his picture I noticed his nose. Yep, that's right, my kid has the world's cutest nose. And the fact that I love his nose so much, makes the rest of this post hard to write.

I put my very favorite photo of Peanut on my desktop at work today. Seeing it so enlarged made me take a fresh look at what I've been trying to deny since last summer. It's undiagnosed, but I'm quite sure that my boy has some symptoms of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Possible symptoms include:

• Small eye openings (short palpebral fissures). At first I thought this didn't apply to Peanut. He has big, beautiful, perfect eyes. But then I learned that this doesn't mean the height of the eye -- it's the width of the eye from corner to corner. Peanut's are smaller than normal.
• A wide, flat bridge between the inner corners of each eye (Telecanthus). Peanut's eyes are definitely wideset and the bridge of his nose is somewhat flat.
• Short nose. That adorable nose that I love so much fits the FAS nose description perfectly.
• Smooth philtrum (that divet under the nose). Peanut's isn't entirely smooth, but it's a very subtle indentation. It completely disappears when he smiles.
• Thin upper lip. It's not as extreme as some examples, but his definitely is disproportionately thin.
• Small in stature. Peanut is 8, but he's the size of most 5 or 6 year olds. He falls under the 5th percentile for height and weight.

He also exhibits some other symptoms -- poor impulse control, poor judgment, and a bit hyperactive -- but I'm not convinced that these personality traits are anything more than those typical of most 8-year-olds.

However, Peanut doesn't totally fit the FAS bill. He's great at math, has excellent memory and attention skills, he gets all high marks at school, has great coordination, doesn't exhibit any speech delays, and reasons well.

I don't mind if he has FAS. His symptoms could be much more severe and I wouldn't mind one bit. He is my son, I love everything about him, and together we'll work through any and all issues that he has. What I do mind is that FAS is something that was thrust upon him unnecessarily.

I want Peanut to talk to me about how wonderful his birth parents were when he's in that mood. He lived with them for nearly 6 years -- while they won't be a part of his life going forward, they will always be an important part of who he is. And, I want Peanut to talk to me when he needs to rage about his birth parents. I thoroughly expect him to have both needs at different times.

Right now I still harbor so much anger with his birth parents. I saw the scars he has from the abuse he endured -- some physical scars and some emotional. And the thought of someone hurting him infuriates me. Deducing that he very well might have some effects from fetal alcohol exposure infuriates me even more.

Before Peanut comes home I need to find a way to be more neutral about his birth parents. I want him to still love them. I want to help him work through whatever emotions he has about his birth parents. If he hears anger in my tone of voice, he may not feel he can talk to me about them without hurting my feelings.

No-one is all-bad or all-good. Peanut's parents did him wrong, but they aren't monsters. I need to find a way to forgive them, and be grateful for the gift of a son that I'm getting through them. Peanut will need that from me so he has room to heal.