I know many of you have been waiting with me for real, concrete news about Peanut. Today I got some news -- unfortunately it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Peanut and another boy that came here last summer are living with a single woman and they are happy. While she hasn't adopted them yet, she intends for it to be permanent and she loves the boys. So I'm not going to be able to adopt Peanut.

I'm devastated but I can also see that this is not an entirely bad situation. My boy has found himself a good home with a mother who loves him -- and that is what I have wanted for him all along. It breaks my heart that I'm not going to be the one to provide that, but his happiness is more important.

On top of that his new mom can give him things I cannot. He has a brother now -- a brother that I know and care for. Plus, his mom is a teacher and Peanut loves learning with a passion -- he takes joy in it and is so smart. I was worried about how he would handle the difficulty of school when he doesn't speak the language. Now, he's staying in Russia with a woman who will foster his love for education. I just know she'll help him become something wonderful. He has every potential in the world and deserves nothing but the best.

I've gone through every emotion known to man today. I'm stunned to the core -- even though I've known this was a possibility I just really believed he was going to come home. I'm angry at all the things that could have been handled differently. I'm confused as to why, if this was God's plan for Peanut, why did he continue to let me struggle for the past five months? I'm just trying to hang on and remember that with most things in life, the reasons become clear with time and perspective. I've even spent time today wondering what's next. Lisa and Kim, your stories have inspired me today because I know that there is still a child out there for me.

For now I just need to take time to heal. And I don't even know how to start doing that.