I don't know how you could be any other way.

I think action will help you heal, even if it's just research and setting the stage.

What you are feeling is totally normal. It will take time. You are not replacing. I feared that too, but that has not occurred. Everything will be fine and somehow it works itself all out. Your love for him will never change and will not ever be shared with anyone else. Each child will have his own part of you. Glad to hear you are going to contintue.

give yourself a little time... just stick a toe back into the adoption world... you have all your paperwork so it should be an easy move... no rush. sit with your news for a little bit and marinate in your new reality...

your love for vlad will only help you be a better mom to the child who is waiting for you.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you've been through an emotional hell the last week or so. Take it at your own pace.

What courage! Go for it!

What you are feeling is totally normal. My first thoughts were, would another child just be a replacement of little A? I will fully admit I had those feelings until the very instant I met Pickle. As soon as I held that little boy all the fear just melted away.

Move forward, but only in your time. Your child is there. They will come to you when the time is right.

Praying for you Margaret - I can't imagine the feeling, but I'm so glad that you have others to lean on who have been through the same thing. Not that I'm glad they had to go through it, but by going through it they are able to help others who come behind.

I think you're totally normal in the process you're going through. You're doing the best you can do in a horribly hard situation. You've got lots of support from your bloggy friends as well I'm sure from you IRL friends!

I don't think you're being disloyal because if the chance ever came up to adopt him in the future, I know you would. So maybe think of it that you are giving love to child IN ADDITION to Vlad, not INSTEAD of him.

Margaret...thinking about you and about Peanut. ~ gaye

Margaret, I am confident you'll do what's best for you and your future family when the time is best for you. That could be tomorrow or 3 years from now. I'm sure you may be thinking "what will others think?" and to that I would say it doesn't matter & whoever knows you well they will fully support your decision to start another adoption.

I agree with the previous comments that starting another adoption is not suggesting you are replacing Peanut. There are many children who need parents, and they are waiting for you and will be there when you're ready.

And when I have similar feelings as you may be having now, I think about how short of a life we live, and if we don't take chances, face our fears... actually live... we are missing out on wonderful times.

I am guessing that maybe you are feeling that you want to "fall in love" with whatever other child you can bring into your home, but you are worried because you don't know if you could possibly feel it like you did for Peanut and you can't imagine anyone replacing him in your heart. On top of that you are feeling the loss of this little boy that you loved so much. Am I close? Only Kim and Elle can really understand, but even they didn't spend a whole summer with their referral children. At least you have that time- that memory to cherish.

I hope you can write to Peanut. At least once to tell him how you felt about him. That would probably mean a lot to him.

I hope you feel the support we are trying to give you. I know we can't fix it, but we will see you through with whatever you choose to do.

I agree that what you are feeling is natural grieving. I know when my dog died (not comparing people to dogs here just grief e.g., and I LOVE dogs so no insult), anyway when my dog of 12 years died, he was so special that I felt like I couldn't get another dog b/c HE was my dog. Felt that way for a long time (and I LOVE dogs) but now feel like maybe I could get another when we move and that dog wouldn't be a betrayal or replacement, but I have to keep reminding myself of that.

What you are doing isn't easy.

Also wanted to tell you that notyetamama is not yet a mama, not a russian word, sorry to disappoint.

Take care.

Not Yet A Mama -- don't I feel dumb. I got so excited when I saw Notye.

So, question to the Russian adoption group. Does anyone know what Notya means in Russian?

Vlad used to call me Notya Mama when I was being silly or funny. It was said with affection, but I have never been able to figure out what it meant for sure.

You are writing my thoughts. I don't even know if you'll ever go back and read this, but if you do, please know that there is someone in this world that has experienced your pain - the confusion, bitterness, anger, depression, anxiety, hoplessness, guilt, sadness... I lost two childrren, too. It took months for me to adopt our children, and yet even today, after adopting two beautiful children, I am not over losing my first two children. We planted a tree for them in our backyard with a plaque in honor of them. I find some peace in accepting I'll never, "get over it." I just have to learn how to carry the pain...

Don't give up...
Tonight, I'm praying for Peanut Pants
Michelle