Monday, May 01, 2006
Learning Lessons
I've spent a lot of time this weekend trying to decipher why all of this happened. While I'll never, ever regret meeting Peanut -- the joy he brought to me trumps any amount of heartache -- I'm struggling to understand why this adoption failed. In my heart I still feel that he and I were meant to be family, so there's a certain amount of disbelief. But, logically I know that we will not be family so there has to be another reason for it all.

This weekend I went back and read my adoption journal that I started back in April of 2003. I went through months of research and decision making back then. My end decision? I was planning to adopt a baby girl from Guatemala. But one thing led to another, I found out about the summer hosting program, and it just felt right. Then I was given the gift of Peanut -- the most precious gift I've ever received in my whole life. After re-reading my journal this weekend I was confused. Why would God bring this amazing child into my life just to have him taken away? Did God want me to revert to my original plans? If so, why do they feel so wrong for me now?

On Saturday I was outside fixing my mailbox (that's a whole other story) and my nosy neighbor from across the street came over. Along with several other annoying comments he looked at my next door neighbor's garden and commented on the one little dandelion growing there -- he completely neglected to notice the gorgeous flowering tree or the bountiful tulips.


It made me think what a shame and a disservice it would be if I looked at this adoption process and focused only on losing Peanut when it brought so many other beautiful things to my life. I've met new friends, learned so much, I loved being a mother, and Peanut enriched my life in more ways than I can count.

And that's when it hit me. On top of all the lessons in parenting, love, joyfulness, resiliency, and patience Peanut taught me he also showed me how perfect older child adoption is for me. I used to be afraid of the emotional baggage older children bring, but Peanut taught me not to be afraid. That's the piece of life's puzzle Peanut gave to me. And while I still long for him, the lessons he taught me are priceless.

I'm not ready to move forward quite yet. But I'm laying the groundwork. In the meantime I'm trying to get more solid information confirming that Peanut's new mom has fully committed to giving him a forever home. (I know for sure that I cannot adopt him while he is there -- the judge has said she won't remove him from a happy home for international adoption.) My own personal horror movie would be to move forward and then discover that Peanut is back in the orphanage. I don't know how much more concrete the information about the permanancy of his situation can be... I may not get the guarantee I'm looking for. I'm also trying to get permission to write to Peanut. Again, I don't know what the success of that request will be, because it is unorthodox. I need some resolution with those requests before I can move forward. I owe that to my little boy.
15 Comments:
Blogger bethee said...
Great post. Sending tons of hugs your way ...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I can not imagine how painful this time must be for you. I hope that you get some resolution and are able to move forward with finding the child that was meant to be your forever child.

Blogger A Room to Grow said...
I'm happy to know you are trying to get approval to contact Vlad and get some resolution about his Russian family before moving on. I think that's important. No need to rush into something new just now.

I think older kids are pretty special too.

Blogger 6blessings said...
Keep hanging in there. Sounds like you are learning a lot. There's someone out there who needs you very much. That's what we told our children when we lost ours. We said, "They had someone who was willing to take care of them. That means there is someone out there that needs us even more than they do." That was so true! I really didn't realize it at the time. It was just something to ease the kids' pain, but it turned out to be true.

Hopefully you will be able to come to some resolution in this matter soon and begin to move on. Take your time and take care of yourself too. We're still keeping you in our prayers.

Blogger Kristin said...
What a wonderful outlook you have, Margaret... I am so impressed by you and what an honor you are doing to Vlad by still keeping your heart open to another child.

Blogger Yeah So said...
You are pretty amazing you know. I hope you are proud of yourself through all this. You give the rest of us courage to move through this crazy process. I hope you get to write to Vlad, if only to ease his mind that you are okay with his new family. It is probably just as important to him to know how you feel and that you are thinking of him.

You will know when it's the right time to start up again.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This a great post and this is my first comment here. I am so glad you are not closing the door to adoption. There many children that need a Mom like you.

Maya
just starting # 3 adoption

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Margaret - I'm on a de-lurking mission and defintely wanted to let you know how sorry I am for what you're going through. It's so hard to understand God's purpose in these things, but I'll continue to pray for you and for Peanut. You seem to be a remarkable woman. I'll look forward to reading about the brighter days to come.

Betsy in Charlotte, NC

Blogger kirsten said...
you are amazing! looking for what you can learn instead of wallowing in your pain takes so much strength and courage. we never know what God is teaching us until we come through something. in the midst of a storm in life, we can't see much good, but coming out on the other side, things get really clear. "i keep wanting You to be fair, but that's not what You said. i want certain answers to these prayers, but that's not what You said. what i thought i wanted and what i got instead leaves me broken and grateful."--sara groves

Blogger Elle said...
You are inspirational to so many. I am so proud to call you my friend.

I have always said it... you ARE a good mom.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
We are really proud of you, Marg.

kim and matt

Blogger Her Grace said...
(I posted a comment but it's not here, so if I have two -- that's why.)

I know you're going to be ok, you know how? Because in the midst of the deepest pain in your life, you are looking inward for what good can come from this, and also ahead to the future. That's the Margaret I've always known and always loved. I continue to be amazed by the strength of your spirit.

Blogger nsjones said...
Sorry to hear about your experience. Don't know why it happened either. You sound like you are doing the best you can and coping well. The adoption process can really take it out of you. We are adopting a Guatemalan baby girl and almost adopted her six yr old sister as well when things happened and she was no longer up for adoption. We only knew about the possibility of a six yr old for a short time before we lost the referral, not even close to what you've been through and it still hurts to walk into dept stores and see six yr old clothes. I am really sorry. Hang in there. I posted a quote from my morning tea bag on my blog today and think you might appreciate it too.
If you are going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill.
Take care of yourself.

Blogger Suz said...
Margaret, I've just finished reading your whole story! I just wanted to tell you that you are in my prayers as you go about figuring out "what's next" for you.

You have the support of so many wonderful people here in blog-world! Isn't it amazing?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Wow. What an amazing post and what an amazing person.