I've spent a lot of time this weekend trying to decipher why all of this happened. While I'll never, ever regret meeting Peanut -- the joy he brought to me trumps any amount of heartache -- I'm struggling to understand why this adoption failed. In my heart I still feel that he and I were meant to be family, so there's a certain amount of disbelief. But, logically I know that we will not be family so there has to be another reason for it all.

This weekend I went back and read my adoption journal that I started back in April of 2003. I went through months of research and decision making back then. My end decision? I was planning to adopt a baby girl from Guatemala. But one thing led to another, I found out about the summer hosting program, and it just felt right. Then I was given the gift of Peanut -- the most precious gift I've ever received in my whole life. After re-reading my journal this weekend I was confused. Why would God bring this amazing child into my life just to have him taken away? Did God want me to revert to my original plans? If so, why do they feel so wrong for me now?

On Saturday I was outside fixing my mailbox (that's a whole other story) and my nosy neighbor from across the street came over. Along with several other annoying comments he looked at my next door neighbor's garden and commented on the one little dandelion growing there -- he completely neglected to notice the gorgeous flowering tree or the bountiful tulips.


It made me think what a shame and a disservice it would be if I looked at this adoption process and focused only on losing Peanut when it brought so many other beautiful things to my life. I've met new friends, learned so much, I loved being a mother, and Peanut enriched my life in more ways than I can count.

And that's when it hit me. On top of all the lessons in parenting, love, joyfulness, resiliency, and patience Peanut taught me he also showed me how perfect older child adoption is for me. I used to be afraid of the emotional baggage older children bring, but Peanut taught me not to be afraid. That's the piece of life's puzzle Peanut gave to me. And while I still long for him, the lessons he taught me are priceless.

I'm not ready to move forward quite yet. But I'm laying the groundwork. In the meantime I'm trying to get more solid information confirming that Peanut's new mom has fully committed to giving him a forever home. (I know for sure that I cannot adopt him while he is there -- the judge has said she won't remove him from a happy home for international adoption.) My own personal horror movie would be to move forward and then discover that Peanut is back in the orphanage. I don't know how much more concrete the information about the permanancy of his situation can be... I may not get the guarantee I'm looking for. I'm also trying to get permission to write to Peanut. Again, I don't know what the success of that request will be, because it is unorthodox. I need some resolution with those requests before I can move forward. I owe that to my little boy.