I've been trying to handle this with grace. I've been fighting to maintain faith and optimism. Today I just don't have what it takes to be that person. Today I'm pissed off.

I met my Kidsave friends for lunch today and it was great to see them. (I actually found out that one friend started her own blog. Check her out!) Now I'm home and I'm emotionally exhausted. I love my Kidsave family. We're all so different, yet we've formed a cohesive group of friends. It's an unexpected perk of hosting. But hearing about the families that are going to bring their kids home was hard. I'm happy for them, but I want to go too! (OK Margaret, let's face the ugly truth.) I'm jealous.

I am so angry at everything that went wrong. I'm angry that my agency continued with this hosting program when they weren't accredited. I'm angry that we were advised not to do paperwork when the kids were here. I'm furious that we were told to stop calling the kids in November. And I'm just enraged that my boy -- a child that could have had a happy home here with me -- was placed into a patr*nat family when there are literally tens of thousands of other children that could have been selected. And the worst part? I don't really have anyone to be angry at.

Last summer Peanut attended a day camp and he made friends with some boys his age. But, since he's just a little thing, they were way bigger than him. After a while I think the novelty of a Russian friend wore off and they started being mean to him (or at least that is what he thought). So what did he do? He punched a little kid. He was angry at the big kids but couldn't take them so he knocked out a little kid. Good behavior? Heck no! It's what got him expelled from day camp. But I would love to take a page out of my kid's book. I would love to just take my anger out on someone.

I want my son home with me. It's as simple as that.

Letting go of someone you love isn't a decision. It doesn't happen in one fell swoop. It's a process and it comes in fits and starts. I'm so tired of the emotional work required in letting go of my child. Especially considering I don't want to let him go at all.

So how's that for grace?