...the door closes.

I spoke to my agency coordinator today. She says she already told me this, but somehow I didn't hear it. Peanut's new mom has pre-signed patr*nat contracts up to his 18th birthday.

The door is firmly closed.

Of course it hurts, but it's also reassuring to know that she is in this for the long haul.

As for now, I have a lot to sort through emotionally, financially, and logically. I just need to take some quiet time to figure it all out. It's like stepping into the shallows of a clear lake -- the sand is all stirred up and everything is murky right now so I can't really see where I'm standing. But I know if I just stay still for a while everything will clear up.