Nyet. Nada. Nothing. No calls from the agency. No news on the Russian media. No updates on the Ministry of Education's website. I think it's safe to say that accreditation didn't happen. Damn.


But it's New Year's Eve and I'm trying to be positive. This year I only have one resolution: bring Peanut home. (Losing weight should be on my list of priorities, too. But I'll just have to be thin vicariously through my friend on 145!)

In preparation for my New Year's resolution I've started hanging these small sports pennants up in Peanut's room as a border. Very 8-year-old chic! Even though I'm anti "theme room," a sports theme is starting to emerge somewhat against my will. He's gonna love it, though.

As I'm writing this it's almost the beginning of the work day in Russia. I'm mentally willing the Minister of Education to sign the accreditation certificates already! The last day given was "by the end of December." Well, Mr. MOE, it's the end of December - don't you feel compelled to sign? Here's my ode to the MOE:

There once was a man named Fursenko
Whose pen had run out of ink-o.
He'd switch and he'd bait
And make foreigners wait.
Before he'd sign on the line. What a stink-o!

In all fairness, Andrei Fursenko seems to have the best interests of the children in mind. After all, he could have called a complete moratorium (gasp!). But there's a lot of political tug-of-war going on and the end result is children (like Peanut) are getting lost in the struggle.

I first found out that Peanut had been placed with a patr*nat family on December 6. It's been 23 days since I've known who my boy is with. 23 days since I've known if he's safe, if he's happy, if he still wants to come to America, if, if, if... The "ifs" are like little gnats buzzing around - as much as I swat at them, they just won't go away.

Once they're reissued their accreditation certificate my agency will be able to do so much more for Peanut and I. Cross your fingers!

Since Peanut went back to Russia, I've been drowning in paperwork, finances, and stress. The adoption process isn't for the faint of heart! Rather than go through every detail, here's a synapsis of the past four months:

• Completed my home study (lots of interviews, medical clearances, state police clearance, etc) in September.
• Finished my mound of dossier paperwork in October and sent it off to Russia for translating.
• Had my fingerprints for USCIS approval in mid-November. I received my I-171H (aka the holy grail) in late December.
• Just got the news that I was awarded a grant to help with adoption costs.

So, everything on the US side is going quite well. But, as with most international adoptions, there have to be a couple flies in the ointment.

• My agency hasn't received their reaccreditation in Russia yet. First we thought they'd get it in September, then October surely. Then a couple dates in November seemed golden. The latest date is "by the end of December." If I held my breath for every hoped-for date I'd be a goner. So, I hope and pray, but don't count on it.
• There's only one other accredited agency that works in my boy's region. Unfortunately, things didn't work out for me to switch for a number of reasons. I'm kind of afraid it would be the adoption equivalent of jumping from the frying pan into the fire anyway.
• I just found out recently that Peanut has been placed with a foster family of sorts. (It's called a patr*nat family... I'm still not clear on what that is.) At this point, my agency feels that there is reason to hope but we don't know for sure if he's available for adoption.

So, that's the skinny. Needless to say, I'm stressed out beyond belief. But Peanut is worth every effort.

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to hosting programs. Getting to know him and forming relationships with the other host families was invaluable. But, hosting draws attention to the fact that Big Bad Americans are coming. I worry that the added attention in effect caused my boy (and the other kids that came here this summer) to be placed out in an effort to avoid international adoption. It's sad. Peanut and I are family and I feel as if that is being ripped apart.

Past Posting - An original version of the post was written on 8/17/05.

Today Peanut left. As I knew it would, my heart has been broken. Peanut, on the other hand, was quite stoic. I let him sleep as long as possible, and when I woke him up he just wrapped his arms around me and cried. He kept repeating "loublue America, loublue Mama" (Loublue=love). But when his tears subsided he got up and got dressed and was all business. When we were ready to leave he climbed in the car and saw that I had already put a blanket and pillow in the back for him. He smiled and said "Thank you, Mama." Every ounce of gratitude and love he had for me was poured into those three little words.

He slept all the way to the airport. Aside from a few tears when he was getting on the plane he was very brave. Braver than I was. My sister said I have to view this as the first step in bringing him home for good. So that's what I'm going to try to focus on. At least I'll focus on that after I hear the kids made it back to their orphanage safe and sound.

Past Posting - An original version of this post was written on 8/16/05.

For a week or so we've had a countdown on the calendar. I drew an airplane on the 17th, and we cross off each day before heading upstairs to read books before bed. I've come to hate that little drawing of an airplane - just looking at it brings tears to my eyes. But, I felt it was important for Peanut to know when he was going back to Russia.

My plan was to keep the day before he left as normal as possible. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. After massive amounts of conflicting statements and confusion I ended up caving in and having the kid's escort come and stay with me for a night. Turns out she was writing a report about each of the host families. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't been so stubborn and had just invited her here earlier. But, my little home doesn't make it convenient and, frankly, I was being selfish about my time with Peanut.

So, on his last morning here Peanut (as is his routine) asked for ice cream and potato chips for breakfast. Indulgent as I can be, never once did I allow him that type of junk for breakfast. He always asks, and when I say nyet he goes for fruit, yogurt, or dry cereal. But, with Mrs. Escort Lady here he reacted a whole different way. Crying, pouting, and clenched fists punching the couch ensued. Great way to make a positive impression, Peanut! Sticking to my guns, I set out several things that I knew he liked. But, Mrs. Escort Lady decided that he should have chips. Grrr! After giving him chips he was happy as a clam and soon selected a cherry yogurt to mix in with his chips. (I think it's an unwritten law that 8-year-old boys have to be disgusting!)

As soon as it was polite, I brought Mrs. Escort Lady back. Then, Peanut and I had a great day. We went swimming, played at the park, and visited family.

Packing his bag was miserable. I tried to use a larger roller-bag so he could take more things home with him. But he could barely carry it and I was worried about that. So we packed his small backpack to the brim with Power Rangers, matchbox cars, his photo album, and little stuffed animals. He really wanted to bring Misha, his stuffed bear, but Misha's huge. So, we made a big ritual out of making a "home" here in America for Misha. I'm not moving that bear until Peanut comes home.

He's finally asleep now. I'm absolutely dreading tomorrow.

Past Posting - A version of this post was originally written on 8/8/05.

Peanut (aka Bruiser) got himself kicked out of camp this week. He had made some friends in the beginning - they even had a special handshake - but I think the novelty of having a Russian friend wore off. Because the kids that Peanut used to describe as "drook" (friend) he now says a not-so-nice word and indicates that they make fun of him.

After a couple incidents of punching other kids, the camp had to expel him. When I picked him up on his last day the girl he punched was holding an ice pack to her cheek (poor thing) and Peanut was sulking off to the side. But the minute he climbed in the car he just melted into tears. I don't condone hitting - but it broke my heart to see him so sad.

Being single and requiring a little thing called a paycheck I was pretty stressed out. But a combination of a great boss, a job that is possible to do from home, and a big family we worked it out. Peanut's getting expelled proved to be a blessing in disguise. He's more relaxed and happy than before - he's even sleeping more soundly (no more Russian mumbles in the middle of the night). Of course now he falls out of the bed, so I have a complex system of comforters and extra pillows on the ground to pad any nighttime falls. In a way, I'm glad he was expelled. Camp was a stressor for him and now we're spending his last couple of weeks here stress-free and together.

Past Posting - A version of this post was originally written on 7/31/05.

Peanut has lost two teeth since he's been here. After spending days wiggling them mercilessly in front of me. (For some reason that gives me the heebie-jeebies and he had a great time grossing me out!)


I asked my adoption coordinator what the custom in Russia is. She wasn't sure, but having grown up in the Ukraine she knew the custom from there. But Peanut didn't seem to know anything about that. He just wanted to toss them in the garbage. He looked at me like I was crazy when I carefully placed them in an envelope and taped them in my journal. But, patient with my insanity, he gamely posed for a picture displaying his new gap-toothed look. (It's all the rage! )

Later he tested the capabilities of the gap - shoving a grape through the hole, letting spit drip through, sticking his tongue through... I never said he was Little Lord Fauntleroy!

Past Posting - A version of this post was originally written on 7/28/05.

Peanut and I went to our first group activity with the other Kidsave families. We were both so excited - my home is a good hour and 1/2 away from all the others so Peanut hasn't seen any of his friends since he first arrived.


Already in a sour mood because he hadn't gotten a bike that morning, (a miscommunication caused by my broken Russian) we hit the road on the way to see his friends. But, again, he surprised me. Even when we hit horrible road traffic he was a trouper. Peanut has taught me the true meaning of forgive and forget. When he decides to forgive me - he does so completely.

Finally we arrived at the spray park. Peanut was so excited to get to the water park he had changed into his bathing suit in the car. And, lo and behold, the ph level was off or some other lame excuse. So, on a sweltering day our kids had to sit there and LOOK at the water.

The way the kids greeted each other was hilarious. Serious faces, handshakes, a single nod of the head, and solemn statement of each other's names. Kind of how I would greet a tax auditor or funeral director. But after the formal greeting they were off playing like typicaly kids.

Several prospective adoptive families were there to "meet" the kids. It made me sick. Instead of trying to get to know any of the kids these people were wandering around the pavilion surveying our kids like they were picking out a pot roast. Gross. It brought out the Mama Bear in me. I immediately steered Peanut over to a jungle gym far away from the pavilion. Several of the other host families felt the same way. These are our kids - stay the heck away! If I'm this protective at the first event, how I am going to let him go back to Russia? I already feel like he's my son.

The good news - on the way home we picked up an old bike of my nephews. We had to put the training wheels on, though. Peanut was pretty surprised to see there were only two wheels! Thank goodness for bike helmets.

Past Posting - A version of this post was originally written on 7/17/05.

My boy's a speed demon. I brought him over to a friend's house and we took their boat out for the afternoon. Peanut was thrilled to say the least. This was obviously his first experience on a boat and he had a ball! We even let him take a turn driving - "fast" became his 3rd word of English.

Swimming, lunch, baseball, and riding a bike rounded out the afternoon. Aside from a minor incident involving Peanut's attempt to stand up in a hammock the day was a resounding success.

When we were leaving, Peanut gave my friend K a used-up disposable camera, her husband M a book, and their son a pair of sunglasses (mine). I'm not sure if they realized the magnitude of that gesture. For Peanut to own something that he can give away is empowering for him. His generous nature is so amazing. I'm head over heels in love with this kid.

Past Posting - A version of this post was originally written on 7/15/05

OK. I had my first bad-mama experience on Peanut's first night here.


Another Kidsave parent bought all the kid's balloons and I promptly let go of it. Peanut said to one of the translators that he wanted his balloon. Not being 15 feet tall I was unable to retrieve it. So, my Irish Catholic guilt got the best of me and not long after Peanut woke up on his first day here we were off to the store for not 1, not 2, but 3 replacement balloons.

I was so worried that he was going to be nervous when he woke up - having slept through everything last night he hadn't seen the house, his room, or anything. But a closet full of toys does wonders for calming nerves. When I pulled out the Operation game he was just thrilled with the play money. I didn't really know why until he tried to use it to buy the aforementioned balloons.

After buying the balloons (I slipped some real money in with the Operation dollars) we went to my parent's house. Peanut started calling my dad "Papa" which isn't right - he's "Dedushka" really, but that's OK. Papa or Dedushka - it was love at first sight. The two of them are like peas and carrots. Or maybe they're like borscht and sour cream.

On the way home from Papa and Baba's Peanut accidentally sent one of new balloons out the car window. Glad I bought 2 extra. When we got home, he let go of another. Thank goodness for the final backup. Within an hour he popped the third. Poor deflated Daffy Duck. I guess Peanut and balloons just don't mix!

Past Posting - A version of this post was originally written on 7/13/05.

I'm finally out of the whirlwind. After weeks of planning, preparing, and studying his picture. V is finally here.

Last night was amazing. The other Kidsave families and I were one incredibly jittery crew. I'm glad I stopped biting my nails back in '86! After watching passenger after passenger deboard, finally a sea of red t-shirts appeared. Our kids were here! I recognized V the minute he walked off the plane - after all, I had been staring at those golden-brown eyes in a picture for weeks.

I called his name and he looked my way. Fear, fatigue, or shyness made him quickly look away - or maybe he just thought I was ugly. (U-G-L-Y! You just made a Russian cry!) So I gave him a few more minutes to adjust to the distinctly American chaos and then I went over to him.

His hair is cut in the most severe Princeton ever - I don't know what his orphanage caretakers were thinking. Maybe that we don't give hair cuts in America? And his shoes - brand new but at least 3 sizes too big... the laces were wrapped around and around his ankles. Short hair, big shoes, purple warm up suit - he's the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on.

I showed him a photo album with pictures of my home and pets. He showed some tentative interest, but the real ice breaker was my digital camera. Thank heaven for my sister who's willing to make crazy faces at the camera just for V's enjoyment. I don't think he'd ever seen a camera where you could instantly see the photo. I understand his pleasure - I'm all about instant gratification!

By the time we left the airport V was clutching my hand and calling me Mama. I don't care if it's indiscriminate or not - my heart melted. Halfway home he fell asleep... exhaustion finally overtook excitement. He didn't wake up when we dropped my sister off. He didn't wake up when I carried him in the house or when my dog was jumping up to see him. He didn't even wake up when I took off his too-big shoes, jacket, and purple warm-up pants. And I'm kind of glad. Because I wouldn't have wanted him to think I was laughing at him when an amazing amount of airplane peanuts came tumbling out his pants. Like a squirrel in winter, I guess he was saving them for later.

I have a feeling that Peanut Pants will be the first of many wonderful memories.

It's 12/23/05 - I've officially been embroiled in the world of adoption since last June. But, partially because I write on a computer for my living and partially because I still think a pen & paper journal has a certain romanticism, I haven't entered the blog world until now.

After finding myself checking all my favorite blogs almost daily (I'm an obsessive PAP) I decided to re-record my journal online. So bear with me while I catch up a bit.