When I inquired about hosting this past summer, I intended to sign up for the 2006 summer program. But the coordinator was cruel. She sent me photos of four kids who still needed host families. As soon as I saw Peanut's eyes I was hooked. So, ill-prepared in many ways (including financially) I set forth.

After Peanut left and I really needed to start gathering funds I spent about a month in sheer panic. I kept waiting for 25K to just miraculously appear in my bank account but it never happened. I tried every avenue I could think of and my face was seriously getting flattened after running into brick wall after brick wall. Then (angelic voices from the heavens sing "aaah") I found a way to fund a large chunk of the costs. And, thank the lord, I was approved for a grant that covers almost all of my foreign program fee.

I'm scrimping and saving to come up with the rest. Life on an adoption budget is different. Every penny I spend becomes a wasted penny -- because it could have gone to adoption. And, while I'll gladly sacrifice anything for Peanut, there are a few things I miss...

10.) A new pair of jeans. Mine have worn so thin in places it's a gamble each time I wear them.

9.) Pork tenderloin. And generally any other food product that's semi-pricey. At least I'm not down to ramen noodles and mac & cheese.

8.) Contacts. After Peanut's home and I allow myself to order contacts again I'm going to make a ceremony (perhaps a parade) out of placing my glasses in the center of the street and driving over them.

7.) A full tank of gas. I keep thinking that $10 will get me through the week and then I could put more into savings. It never works.

6.) Gloves that match my coat. I lost mine a while back and since I have two other perfectly fine (albeit clashing) pairs of gloves I refuse to buy a new pair.

5.) Professional hair color. I've colored out of a box so many times now it's starting look all one color. In fact I think there's a crayon color named "Margaret's hair."

4.) Hair cuts. Although, if I can get past this in-between stage my hair might look good long.

3.) Dryer sheets. I really miss that spring-fresh smell.

2.) Pomegranate shampoo from my stylist. But my inexpensive Garnier Fructis does smell nice.

1.) The good cat litter. Because... phew!

When I was in high school I had an English teacher like no other. She was old when the school opened -- by the time I got there she was ancient. She used to say she'd never leave that school until they carried her out on a stretcher. Well, they did -- twice -- yet she still didn't retire. I'll never forget her hands, gnarled with arthritis, patting me on the head when I did well on an assignment. The time she locked herself in a bathroom stall was legendary and everyone snickered with guilty laughter when she fell off the chair behind her desk. At least twenty times per class period she would reach a hand into the depths of her shirt to retrieve a fallen bra strap; and the copious amounts of dry boogers that would dangle off the end of her nose astonish me still. But she was smart. She was tough. She believed in her students. I didn't appreciate her when I was in high school, but it didn't take me long to realize her true worth.

She made us explicate Shakespeare word by painful word. Oh, how I hated those lessons! It was a complete surprise when I studied Shakespeare in college and discovered that I enjoyed it. Now, in light of everything that's happening and the convenient correlation of the infamous Plan B with Hamlet's famous speech, she and her beloved Shakespeare are on my mind.




I found out today that, for me, the answer is "not to B." I'm officially not included in the group of families that will benefit from Plan B... ay, there's the rub. My agency gave lots of reasons, which I logically understand, but emotionally I'm devastated. Today also marked the start of rumors about at least two agencies getting reaccredited (which is great). My agency, however, has heard nothing lately about accreditation. I feel like the ship is leaving without me.

If it weren't for knowing and loving Peanut like I do, I'd probably have given up by now. In some ways it's downright crazy to let myself continue suffering the slings and arrows of Russian adoption. The only thing keeping me going is Peanut. He's my son and I've made a promise to him. Plus, I hold hope that when all is said and done none of this struggle will matter anymore and Peanut and I will just be family. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

I know the reward will be worth it. But right now I'm just sad and I feel about 10 years older than my age. I'm tired of worrying. I spend my days searching for actual facts -- something true, real, and applicable to my situation. Most of the time I'm able to keep my mood up and stay somewhat positive, but then a day like today happens, my mind starts spinning, and my native hue of resolution is sickled over with the pale cast of thought.

But tomorrow is a new day. Maybe the couple reaccreditations that were processed indicate that ALL the remaining agencies will soon be processed; not that they're only processing a small batch like they did in September. So... soft you now, Margaret. Time to stop complaining.

I received two updates about Plan B from my agency today. Plan B is a go... the agency they're partnering with has signed the agreement and the wheels on the adoption bus are going round and round.

However, for many reasons, not all of my agency's waiting parents will be included in Plan B. At this point, I'm not sure if I will be or not. So, (while I'm praying feverishly for Fursenko to sign certificates) I'm clinging onto the hope that this new plan will work for me in absence of reaccreditation. Here are my Plan B wishes and adoption dreams:

• To B included in the new plan.
• Once I'm registered with the MOE under this new plan, that someone make a Bline to wherever Peanut is to ensure he's OK and knows I still love and want him more than anything.
• That, patr*nat or no patr*nat, Peanut B available for international adoption.
• I learn of his availability Bfore I travel.
• That I bring Peanut home long Bfore he turns 9.
• That the rest of my fellow host families B included in this plan with me, because I couldn't do this without them.

Here's to Plan B. I should find out more soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Lauri and John got their referral! Yay! Hop on over to Lauri's site and read the details.

Congratulations, Lauri and John. I'm so happy for you.

My sister told a coworker of hers today about my adoption process. Of course, the age-old "how much does it cost" question came up. (That always surprises me. I would never think to ask someone what the medical bills for their pregnancy came to. ) My sister gave her friend a ballpark figure and told her that the whole process has been emotionally and financially draining for me.

The next thing my sister knew, her friend was pulling out her checkbook and wrote me a check for $100. Can you believe it? I don't even know this woman. I'm just blown away by her kindness.

Sophocles obviously never adopted. He wrote "Not knowing anything is the sweetest life." To that I say: bullshit, Sophocles, bullshit.

Not knowing exactly where Peanut is or who he is with literally keeps me awake at night. When he was at the orphanage I could call and check on him. Now that he's with a patr*nat family there's no way for me to know if he's all right or if he's happy. Of course I want to go bring him home -- but right now what I want more than anything is to know that he is safe.

Siberia has been pounded with extremely cold temperatures lately. When I look in Peanut's closet and see his toasty warm, super-cool Spiderman coat I just want to hop a plane to Russia and bring it to him. I'd give anything to talk to him and find out if he's OK and being cared for properly.

So, stuff it, Sophocles. Maybe for you ignorance was bliss. But, as for me, I want to KNOW.

I don't know about you, but as an adult I haven't made many truly close friends. Most of the friends I have are really long-term. (Bethany's been my good friend for 20 years now. Ack! We're getting old.) But this past summer when I hosted Peanut, I unknowingly stepped into an incredible circle of friends.

It's one of the side benefits of hosting that no-one really mentions. In a lot of ways, and as cheesy as it may sound, my fellow host parents and I have become a family. We don't always agree, sometimes we annoy each other, but at the end of the day we love and understand each other. My Kidsave family has been such a huge source of support for me (as I hope I have been for them). I'm truly blessed.

Last night we all got together for a celebration (not one of our kids coming home, but something equally joyful). We vented, worried together, gave each other hope, reminisced, laughed, and hugged, hugged, hugged. (We're a huggy bunch.) I'm just so grateful to have these people in my life.

Sorry to get sappy. But some times (and some people) call for it.

p.s. Another note of gratitude. A huge T-H-A-N-K-S to Lisa -- the designer, creator, brains, and heart behind my new blog template. I love it.

I admit it. I was a 33-year-old tag virgin. There's something about never having been tagged that makes you feel like that poor kid in junior high who always sat at a lunch table by himself. But Lauri's pulled me to the cool table. I'm a bloggy loser no more.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was rounding out my 3rd year at my first "real" job and beginning to realize that I was never going to go much further with that company. (I left about three months later. That was a goodbye party to remember!) I was living in a big old farm house with faulty electricity, bad plumbing, and the occasional mouse. I was dating a guy who was four years younger than me -- and that was before Demi and Ashton made robbing the cradle cool.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Dating Mr. Inertia and wondering -- if he only owed less than $100 on the engagement ring as he said -- why he wasn't proposing. (I later learned that the ring was like a NY Times Bestseller -- pure fiction.)

Five Snacks I enjoy:

1. Anything chocolate
2. Crackers and cheese and/or deli meat
3. Popcorn (especially Kettle Corn - yummo)
4. Frozen grapes (weird, but really good)
5. Did I mention anything chocolate?

Five songs to which I know all the lyrics:
(I sing all the time. Not well, necessarily... but I sing. These five are songs that make me think of Peanut or bolster my strength during this waiting game.)

1. Sweet Baby James -- James Taylor
2. Baa, Baa Black Sheep (in Russian... I'm very proud)
3. Right to Be Wrong -- Joss Stone
4. Standing Outside the Fire -- Garth Brooks
5. Moses -- Patty Griffith

Five things I would do if I were a Millionaire:

1. Buy a cottage up north for my family to use
2. Pay my nieces' and nephews' tuitions
3. Set up a grant fund so other PAPs wouldn't have to stress as much as I have over $$$
4. Go to Ireland
5. Buy a house on the lake.

Five bad habits:

1. I pick at my fingernails
2. I'm a major procrastinater
3. I'm addicted to checking FRUA and Russian news -- I do it constantly
4. Lately I've been far too self-focused
5. I sleep on the couch (I'm an insomniac -- the TV in the living room can help sometimes. But for the most part, the couch is a habit. Tonight is a no-sleep night. It's 2:30 am and I'm blogging.)

Five Things I like doing:

1. Making landscape quilts
2. Reading
3. Scrapbooking (I'm making one for Bethany's youngest (Party Girl) right now.)
4. Talking on the phone (I swear, I'm like a teenager sometimes)
5. Visiting family and friends.

Five things I would never wear ( buy or get again):

1. My high school cheerleading uniform
2. Another bridesmaid's dress (I've paid my dues)
3. Bikini (unless I lose massive amounts of weight)
4. A tank top with bra straps hanging out (that's the epitome of tackiness)
5. A plaid skirt (I went to a private school as a child. I'm plaid-skirted out.)

Five Favorite toys:

1. Digital camera
2. Scanner
3. My new staple gun (I'm having an inordinate amount of fun with it)
4. Computer
5. The fabric scissors I got for Christmas (they're perfect for "fussy cutting").

I'm supposed to tag five people but I have a very small circle of blogs that I frequent. I think they've all been tagged already and I don't want to be a retagger.

Next I'm supposed to insert this list-

Afrindiemum
An Elephant's Gestation
So its come down to this
Ukraine Adventure
Peanut Pants

Rumor has it accreditation may happen next week... and my agency should be high on the list. (Based on the date their accreditation expired.) So, like a hamster on an exercise wheel, my mind has been spinning away.

Taking a cue from all the China PAP's with their complicated LID/referral charts, here's my estimation. If accreditation is awarded to my agency next week:

• My dossier (which is translated and in region) could be filed with the MOE by Monday the 23rd.
• Based on dossier to court date time frames of other host parents in this region my court date could be around March 29.

That's based on 99% rumor/assumption and 1% fact. But it's fun to dream!

If you know me at all, you know that I'm an impatient person. When there's something I want, I have to (at the very least) start planning or preparing for the goal. In my little brain, just sitting back and waiting is equal to water torture, 100 lashes, or listening to John Tesh sing.

I spent over a year in a serious relationship with a man who, in hindsight, drove me up the wall. He constantly would talk about future plans -- starting a new career, buying a house, getting married -- but when it came down to it he was completely unwilling to take any form of action what-so-ever. After spending so much time in limbo with him I was anxious to get going on the next phase of my life. Goodbye Mr. Inertia, Hello Peanut!

This adoption process has been a challenge for me emotionally. I actually dreaded completing my dossier because I knew there would be nothing left but waiting. My fear was somewhat on target... I've had major mood swings and my patience is all but nonexistent.

So, I have to take a moment to pat myself on the back. My agency is still working on Plan B and hasn't given out details yet. And, believe it or not, I'm OK with that. I think the fact that they are actively working on something has helped me find a new dose of patience. Before the announcement of the impending Plan B, I was starting to feel that this adoption process was like dating Mr. Inertia all over again. I'm so glad that's not the case!

You could call it laziness, but I think it's really a physics problem. See, I have this hamper that holds a significant amount more than my laundry basket. So when the urge to play washer woman strikes I typically skim off the top of the hamper with full intentions of going back up for the rest later. Later, however, usually never happens.

Today, I decided to bite the bullet and brave the depths of my hamper. Guess what I found? Two of Peanut's shirts and pair of his shorts. People -- Peanut left over four months ago. Can you say gross? Say it a little louder... I can't hear you.

After taking a few moments to wallow in my own disgusting habits I was actually kind of glad I found something of his unexpectedly. It brings him back to home somehow. Right after he left I found all sorts of "Peanut bombs" planted around the house. A sticker on the fridge, drawings he did when he was supposed to be sleeping, little pieces of K'Nex (the world's worst toy ever), all sorts of detritus that an 8-year-old leaves in his wake. At first, Peanut bombs just sent me into tears. But eventually they were a lot of fun to find. After a month or so, I had pretty much uncovered everything and missed finding his things.

So, though I doubt my mother would agree, I think uncovering an unexpected reminder of Peanut justifies my nasty laundry habits. How's that Don Henley song go? "Give us dirty laundry!"

My agency is cooking up something good. I can just smell it. They sent out a couple messages this week saying they're working on a Plan B. They haven't given any details at all, but it sounds hopeful.

I have a guess about what it is, but my theories are often way off base. So, since my logic is usually incorrect when it comes to Russian adoption here are some completely illogical ideas:

1. They'll strap parachutes on all of the waiting parents and drop us off over Russia with a map to find our kids and shovel to dig a tunnel outta there.
2. They'll build a big Trojan troika and we can take the MOE by surprise.
3. I'll just visit Russia and leave a trail of potato chips for Peanut to follow home.

I'm up for anything. So cook up something good oh agency of mine!

I spoke with my agency representative today. There is officially no word on accreditation. While we were talking we both agreed that if the Ministry of Education decided NOT to reaccredit any more agencies they would probably announce that. Frankly, it'd be a popular decision in Russia right now.

Yet somehow, I'm actually still feeling hopeful. And I don't understand why. I've always considered myself relatively intelligent, so I don't think it's stupidity. Typically I'm quite cynical (ask my ex-boyfriend), so I know it's not a Pollyanna-esque character flaw. Either there's reason to remain hopeful or I'm delusional. Whaddya think?

Joss Stone's Mind, Body, and Soul CD has a semi-permanent residence in my car's CD player. "Right to be Wrong" has been my personal anthem ever since I started this adoption process.


After Peanut left I started making the official "I'm going to adopt him" announcements. Really, I don't know why anyone was surprised by this. But, none-the-less, the reactions I got ran the whole gamut - from unwavering support to complete negativity. If I never hear "but you're single" again it will be too soon. Then I heard "Right to be Wrong" and the song's bridge just rang so true:

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision.
I can't turn back, I'm on a mission.
If you care, don't you dare blur my vision.
Let me be all that I can be.
Don't smother me with negativity.
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm gonna face it willingly!